The Magic of Christmas
by Janet-Davis
Summary: It's christmas and Buffy is all alone. She thinks about her life, her feelings and about her mother! I'd be glad about reviews!!!


Christmas. Buffy sat in the living-room, all alone.  
  
Xander and Anja had gone to visit Xanders parent over x-mas,  
  
Willow and Tara were in some theatre, watching a musical, 'The Witches of Eastwick.'  
  
and Dawn wanted to visit Giles in england over the hollidays. Buffy didn't really want that, but for Dawn seemed to hate her anyway, why not?  
  
Buffy wrapped a blanket around herself, drank some tea and watched a christmas movie.  
  
Her eyes were filled with tears. The movie wasn't sad, but she didn't listen to it anyway.  
  
She was lost in thoughts, somewhere between heaven, the most wonderful place she knew and Spike. The only person who seemed to understand her and the person she hated more than anything else.  
  
  
  
A few blocks away, Spike walked through the night.  
  
He didn't care a lot about christmas, but seeing the colourfull lights in the dark and the happy familys in the houses did make him feel weird.  
  
He would have preferred to sit somewhere between the graves on the graveyard, but something made him want to walk along the streets and watch the people.  
  
Maybe he just liked the pain he felt, yeah! That must have been it!  
  
  
  
Buffy had switched of the television and started walking through the house, checking everthing to make sure no deamons or vampires where arround.  
  
No Spike! Happy about one good news, she sat back down on the couch.  
  
She closed her eyes and remembered how her dead mother lay on exactly this couch.  
  
Buffy jumped up breathing heavily and sobbing quietly.  
  
"Mum..." Buffy stood in front of the couch and stared out of the window.  
  
All the happy singing she could hear. Why couldn't they sing more quietly?  
  
Or just stop?!  
  
She realised that there where some kids, walking through the streets, singing.  
  
She closed the curtains and sighed.  
  
  
  
Spike sat down onto a bench. He looked at a couple walking past him.  
  
His eyes were fixed on the young women. He was hungry, but he knew he couldn't bite her anyway. Fucking chip!  
  
He got up and walked to Buffys house.  
  
All his memorys, the most importaint situations of his life, or death, had took place in that house.  
  
Buffy was probably having a big happy christmas party! Sure! Who'd care about him...  
  
  
  
"Is anybody caring about what I feel?" Buffy whispered, while finally punching into the couch.  
  
Life didn't make sense! What where friends good for if they didn't care about each other?  
  
Why didn't they leave her where she was? Dead!  
  
She had always been scared of death, but now she was scared of life!  
  
She hated it. She wanted it to stop!  
  
Buffy got up and walked into the kitchen. She took a small knife and walked back into the living room.  
  
She sat down once again and smiled, staring at the knife.  
  
Was she going crazy? No! She just wanted to be happy!  
  
But...would she still be in heaven if she...killed herself?  
  
Probably yes! She had done so much, it should end now.  
  
She let the knife slide over her arm. She didn't cut yet. She just wanted to feel the cold knife.  
  
She could feel heaven.  
  
Her biggest secret, that she hadn't told anybody, was...  
  
In heaven she had seen her mother.  
  
Surrounded by a white, bright, warm light, she had smiled at Buffy and then gone away.  
  
Buffy had been searching for her, all the time and then, just when she had found her, Willow had brought her back to life!  
  
  
  
Spike stood in front of Buffys house and knocked.  
  
Buffy stood up and walked to the door, taking the knife with her.  
  
"Buffy? Are you there?"  
  
Buffy placed a hand onto the door and breathed deeply.  
  
On the other side, Spike sat down in front of the door.  
  
"Buffy, I love you, I hope you know that... and no matter how you feel, it could be worse..." Spike didn't know what he was talking about, but the words just slipped out of his mouth.  
  
"I love you too..." Buffy whispered so quietly, Spike couldn't hear it anyway.  
  
She was shocked. She had never thought she would say that. Living felt easyer now.  
  
She through the knife to the ground and fell on her knees, crying. It was releasing.  
  
"Buffy?!" Spike jumped up.  
  
She was scared of telling Spike how much she loved him.  
  
"Buffy? What are you doing in there? Where are the others? Is everything okay?"  
  
"Yes Spike!" She had never heard him talk in such a shocked way!  
  
Did he know what she had wanted to do?  
  
"Buffy! I can understand you! Really!" Spikes voice was shaking. "I guess I know what you wanted to do, I would probably do the same...I'm so theatrical today!"  
  
He laughed patheticly. "...probably it's because of christmas!"  
  
Buffy nodded.  
  
"Buff! I know how big the pain is, that you feel! And, ...but, you should learn to live with it! You've got me! Although, I'm only a toy for you...but that's okay with me as long as you're happy!"  
  
"Spike..." Buffy pressed herself against the door, nearly feeling Spike, who was leaned against the other side of it.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I...I love you!" She started crying again.  
  
Spike couldn't say a word. "Buff..."  
  
"And now go! I want to be alone!"  
  
"But..." Spike just didn't get it.  
  
"Go!" Buffy screamed. "Please!"  
  
Buffy had never pleased him to do something! He got up and walked along the dark street.  
  
The moon hid behind the clouds and the only light came from the houses.  
  
He didn't even know that he had saved Buffys life. Maybe he would get to know it some day.  
  
Buffy walked back into the living-room.  
  
"So you finally found what you were looking for..."  
  
Buffy looked up and saw her mother sitting on the couch. "MUM!"  
  
"Buffy... never do something like that again! It's a gift that you got a second chance on earth. Live your life. It's the most precious thing you've got! Beside Spike!" She smiled.  
  
"You should tell the others about him and ... you should spend more time with Dawn..."  
  
"But she hates me!" Buffy didn't dare to move, afraid that her Mum might vanish.  
  
"No! It's just a whole new situation for her!" Joyce looked at Buffy.  
  
"Now come here! Are you scared or what?" She smiled.  
  
"Mum..." Buffy ran to her mother and kneeled down in front of her, her head layed onto her lap.  
  
"Why didn't you care about me, when I was in heaven?"  
  
Joyce patted Buffys head. "I knew you would come back, I didn't want to hurt you even more! But I'm always there for you! Believe me!"  
  
Buffy fell asleap on her mother's lap.  
  
When she woke up the next day, Willow stood beside her.  
  
"Buffy! Get up! We've got to fetch Dawn from the airport!"  
  
Buffy looked at Willow first, than looked at the couch.  
  
Her mother was gone, but she still felt her warmth.  
  
"Willow,...Thank you!"  
  
"What?" Willow looked at her in a heasitated way.  
  
"Oh, nothing..."  
  
Xander came downstairs, followed by Tara and Anja.  
  
"We've gotta go now!"  
  
He nearly slipped on the knife that lay on the ground.  
  
"What's this?"  
  
Buffys eyes widened. "I-I- lost it yesterday when I got me a sandwich..."  
  
"Oh, sure!" Xander brought it back into the kitchen.  
  
Tara gave Buffy a present. "We felt kind of bad, 'cause we left you alone..."  
  
"Oh! Thank you! I-I- don't have anything for you..."  
  
"You're our biggest present anyway! I'm glad you're alive!"  
  
Buffy stared at Anja. Hearing these words from her was surely weird!  
  
"Open it!" Tara grinned.  
  
"O-O-okay..."  
  
Buffy did as Tara said and found a picture of her with all her friends and her mother from the last christmas party. She smiled.  
  
"Thank you so much!" Buffy hugged the others.  
  
"It's an invitation too!" Anja said. "We'll go to a really noble restaurant today! You, we and Dawn!"  
  
"Now let's go!" Xander opened the door.  
  
Buffy followed him, with a last look onto the couch and there she saw her mothers favourite bracelet. She went back to get it.  
  
"What is that?" Willow asked.  
  
"It's my mothers bracelet..." Buffy said.  
  
"But, didn't we burry her with it?" Willow asked, scared of Buffys reaction to this question.  
  
"Yeah..." Buffy said, staring at it. "It's my christmas present from her!"  
  
The others smiled, although they where a little bit hesitated.  
  
They entered the car.  
  
Buffy sat down in the back beside Tara and Willow.  
  
She put on the bracelet.  
  
"Oh, erm...because of the dinner tonight..."  
  
Buffy stared at the bracelet and sighed.  
  
"Can Spike come with us?"  
  
She didn't listen to their answers, for she was sure the answer was yes.  
  
She had noticed that the world outside the car, was covered by a thick layer of snow.  
  
She watched a few snowflakes dancing in the cold wind.  
  
Buffy smiled.  
  
  
  
By ChristmasCat 


End file.
